So disappointing

I think for my own piece of mind I'd feel like my miscarriage will totally be over once I write a little bit about it and just get some feelings out there. I guess I never felt great about the pregnancy since I wasn't feeling super sick like I did with Gage but I just chalked it up to a different pregnancy and different feelings. When I first realized I had started bleeding I instantly knew that I was losing the baby. The internet said that it was really common and then all the confusing thoughts started. Am I really miscarrying? Did I do something to cause it? If only half of the women that bleed miscarry could I be one of those? The tests we inconclusive when we first had them because you need 48 hours to take another blood test and compare the two so I went home hopeful but still really scared. Cody kept helping to keep me optimistic but after another day I had to know and was just tired of playing the "well maybe it'll be ok" game. After spending another night just lying in Cody's arms crying my heart out I asked Heavenly Father if I was losing my baby. The spirit told me SO strongly that I was miscarrying and even though it broke my heart to know that, I at least knew that Heavenly Father knew what was happening and if he knew then it must be a part of some big plan. The next day I took another blood test and by the next day the answer came back that my pregnancy hormone levels were dropping. A sure sign of a miscarriage. Even though Heavenly Father had already told me, it still hurt so bad to get that confirmation. The doctor said that the sack didn't appear to have a fetus in it so either one never grew or it only got a little growth in before it genetically failed somehow. Interesting enough, I was comforted that maybe a baby hadn't died in me but there's no way to tell. I've been busy enough with Gage that I haven't had to think about it much until now and I've been crying for the majority of this blogs writing but I feel like it really is the closure that I'm looking for. It's such a sad thing to have happen but I'm hopeful that the next baby won't take too long to join our family and I'm so thankful for the support and love that Cody showed me through this whole thing. It was terrible to be away from home while this happened but if it had been a week earlier or later, Cody would have been in school and wouldn't have been able to give me his full attention. He's such a strong man and such a wonderful husband. I'm lucky to have him. I just ask that everyone's prayers stay with us and I'm so grateful for all the love I've received from all of you.

At last Cody is done with finals so I get my husband back again! I'm so proud of all the hard work he put into studying (sometimes going for 10 straight hours!) and we just hope the grades come back and reflect his hard work. His grades will determine if he gets his scholarship for next year so fingers crossed! I've been keeping pretty busy around the house and especially in the back yard. I got my garden boxes all set up but between Gage and the dog I'm not sure they'll make it far. I've already lost two pea plants and all my pumpkins to their destructive ways. Maybe I'll try fencing it in. I also removed about a ton (literally) of branches from some very overgrown lilac bushes. We just unloaded them at the dump this morning and it was so much work! The trimmed bushes look so much better but unfortunately it shows more of the neighbors house now. Oh well. I finished my outside project for this week by transplanting several aspen saplings we have in the back corner of the lot to the other end. Aspens work on a connecting root system with each other so I'm giving them about a 50/50 chance to survive the trip. They just don't have many of their own roots. So with the pictures I thought would give an insight into what the morning can be like with Gage. Let me sum it up. Lots of climbing. All the time! We were at a play place in the mall yesterday and Gage was scaling the steps to the slide with all the other big kids and several parents told me how shocked they were to see a 15 month old getting up there. And that's just Gage. He's tough, fearless and a boy through and through. I think I could walk away for an hour and he wouldn't even know I was gone. He must have been born with this independent spirit cause he is the total opposite of clingy. Which is great cause I'm too tired to even carry him most of the time. I haven't been having much morning sickness which is really great but it does stress me out cause I was so sick, all the time, with Gage. Maybe that means this one is a girl? Who knows? At least I have an ultrasound appointment on the 6th. The picture of my bedroom is to show the new bedding I got with my birthday money. I finally feel that I am starting to have an adult bedroom where I feel it's separate from the rest of the house. I'm hoping to have some fun pictures from our trip to Idaho next week and hopefully they won't all be of Gage screaming in his car seat. Cody's Grandma is catching a ride up to Idaho with us and all I can say is I hope she doesn't mind a screaming kid cause that's what's coming her way. Man I hate traveling!

New Front Yard!!!!

Here are the much anticipated pictures of our front yard landscaping project! I think we ended up with the prettiest house on the block! We love just sitting out in front and admiring our lovely lawn. We can't sit out there when Gage is awake cause he has an unhealthy addiction to getting on the street and the one we live on is fairly busy. So the first picture is of the house when we just purchased it. After trimming and removing several trees and bushes, pulling out some sod and removing the front flowers we see the middle pictures. Still ugly and a total eyesore for the neighborhood. We then hired a landscaper to put in the rock and sprinkler system. And just a week ago me, Cody and 4 missionaries laid the sod. We got our sod for more than half off by cutting out the middle man and getting it from the country. We love our lawn so much and are so excited to see the bids on the house when we eventually put it up for sale.