Birthday at Chuck E Cheese!

For Gage's birthday we decided to go to Chuck E Cheese as a family and since his big birthday party is on Sat it was just the three of us. Gage sure had a blast and after his coins ran out managed the bum 3 more tokens off various people. He's just sit by the ride and someone would come along and put on in. And mind you we started with a TON of tokens. 20 free ones for his birthday and 50 more that came with our pizza deal . I don't know who had more fun on the games, Cody or Gage. And what did 70 tokens amount to? 300 tickets which bought 4 pieces of candy. Not a great return but still was totally worth it. I'm excited to have a two year old but I'm bummed that Gage no longer gets into everything for free. Not flying free is going to be the biggest blow but maybe turning 2 means him growing up and getting a bit more self-sufficient. This morning I put underwear on Gage just for fun. I thought he'd really get a kick out of it but instead he ran right over, grabbed a diaper and laid down on the ground. And he NEVER willingly subjects himself to a diaper change so he did not like the underwear one bit. Maybe he could sense that they symbolized an ending to diaper freedom. And trust me, I'm not interested in potty training for quite some time more. I don't even know where I'd start with him since his language is way behind and I couldn't even explain to him how it all works. I guess we could lock ourselves in the bathroom and I could have him drink a ton of water and just wait. Maybe that's how it begins. Plus he's two and a half by the time the next baby comes so I don't know whether to try it before (since I'll be super busy after the baby is here) or to wait till after since they say kids revert to diapers when a sibling comes. Any thoughts? And then potty training him will introduce the toddler bed which frankly I'm not sure I'm ready to give him that kind of freedom. Anyway, I'll be having a big ol' update after his Thomas birthday tomorrow. I ordered a super cute cake and have about 10 kids coming so it should be a blast! Can't wait!

First preggie pics

Well here are some pictures from this week. I'm looking pretty dang pregnant for just being 4 months along (apparently not so weird for a 2nd time mom) and I'm fully enjoying the fact that I can now go 3 hours without eating and feel pretty good still. I had an appointment this week and got to hear the heartbeat. A solid 165 which I think is exactly what Gage was. I need to look up that superstition about the heart beat saying if it's boy or girl. I put no stock in it but it's still fun to look at. Everything seemed to go well at the appointment and my thyriod levels are going back down after spiking in the first trimester so that's a relief. I should be able to find out the gender in just 3 weeks. Earlier than I was first told I could. Gage has a new tooth coming out this week has been one of those just get through it times but I think he'll really continue to get better now that words are coming to him a little easier. The problem is now that he uses a word and it's close enough to sounding like a real word that we both get frustrated trying to think what it might be. Just another step in getting him to talk I guess. The bottom picture is a typical Gage face I get when he wants something and he's trying to be charming. This look is usually followed by him saying "candy" or "cookie" and since I'm trying to encourage talking he occasionally gets it, which just makes him say it more. Visits with the speech therapist haven't been forthcoming and she usually comes right when he gets up from a nap so he's not all that friendly. I may need to get the time changed.

As many of my blogging friends know I got asked to be president of Relief Society in my ward and although it's only been a month I'm so excited, exhausted and honored to be working in this calling. It's a big job since we have over 200 women in the organization but I feel equal to the task and at least I know a small "break" will be coming in July. As if having a kid can really be considered a break. Regardless I'm going to do the best I can and I'm lucky to have steller counselors to help me out. Cody is also really busy right now in school with a clinic that gives him a real life criminal and he has to defend them in court and be their lawyer. It's for low income people and under the supervision of their professors he's sworn in and is a legal lawyer during this clinic. So needless to say it is taking all of his time and when I finally get him home the poor guy is exhausted. I'm so proud he made it into such an honored clinic. It's really difficult to get into and I think he'll look back on it as some of the fondest memories of Law School.

We almost got rid of our dog this week cause she kept breaking out of the yard and I've been really fed up with her but we decided to give her another chance. A dog catchers ticket runs in the hundreds around here and if it weren't for awesome neighbors we would have racked them up by now. She's not allowed on the carpet anymore either which is going really well and has greatly reduced the amount of cleaning I have to do. Anyway, if things go back to being too much for me we might have a very sweet, very lovable lab on the market. Anyway, all this was a little rambling'ish so thanks for sticking through it. Gage has his birthday on Tue with a birthday party next Sat so some pretty fun pictures should be coming up!

Great Article I Found

Well I know this is cheating since I didn't write this but lately I haven't been feeling like Gage is the peaceful, perfect little kid he used to be and I was sad that I've been stressed at times and not always enjoying every minute of parenting. Now while I don't mind hearing "cherish every moment" I do think she has a ton of great points. This article is right on the money!

By Glennon Milton

Every time I'm out with my kids -- this seems to happen:

An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh, Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast."

Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.

I know that this message is right and good. But, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life - while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.

I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.

And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.

Now. I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast."

At that particular moment, Amma had arranged one of the new bras I was buying on top of her sweater and was sucking a lollipop that she must have found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was grabbing the pen on the credit card swiper thing WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."

That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.

There was a famous writer who, when asked if he loved writing, replied, "No. but I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented?"

I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.

Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times -- G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?

That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right...in her own way...and she happens to be honest.

Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: "This career stuff...it goes by so fast...ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.

Here's what does work for me:

There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can't hear her because all I can think is -- This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God -- she is so beautiful. Kairos.

Like when I'm stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.

Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.

These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.

If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.

Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.

Good enough for me.